Gilded Age Polite Society

Life brings a discipline to all; a discipline which bears directly upon every human being, making it his duty to be acceptable to his fellow-creatures. And unless certain tenets of good behavior are acknowledged and endorsed by society, how is the novice to know when he has trespassed upon good manners?

A subject which has been handled in many ways, and by many minds, always presents difficulties to one who attempts to set it forth in a new light. And yet the theme of our book is susceptible of many new thoughts, and many changes of old thoughts which are of value to the reader. The etiquette of polite society changes so materially in some phases, and with such marked contrast among different peoples and periods, that it is almost a hopeless task to formulate rules that shall absolutely govern with the same unchangeability that stamped the laws of the Medes and the Persians.

The nearest approach to such a task is to give to the inquirer those usages and forms which prevail in good society, and which, with slight modifications, are adapted to any part of the habitable globe. And while these rules are, in their general contour, applicable to any position in life, the good sense and knowledge of fitness of things, will help to a comprehension of those exceptional occasions, when even the etiquette which obtains everywhere, can be changed in a slight degree, without marring the force of the custom as usually accepted. 

The fact that the rules of good behavior are current everywhere, is based on their being the outgrowth of something more substantial than mere forms. They are grounded in that kindness of heart, that unselfish desire to make one'self agreeable and attractive, which must have a place with all, ere they can lay claim to being truly polite.

Life brings a discipline to all; a discipline which bears directly upon every human being, making it his duty to be acceptable to his fellow-creatures. And unless certain tenets of good behavior are acknowledged and endorsed by society, how is the novice to know when he has trespassed upon good manners?

The deepest thinkers all unite in pronouncing human nature essentially selfish. But, by studying the rules laid down by good society for guidance, and practicing them continually, they become second nature, and selfishness is kept in the background. Politeness becomes easy, if habitual, and performs its mission in bringing its followers up from the plane of self-love to a higher moral one, where thoughtless self-gratification is subdued, and time and attention are devoted to looking after the comfort and welfare of others.

Much remains to be said upon the value of good manners. They should be the outgrowth of character; a character built up in youth. Character is more than reputation. The young should learn its value, and early acquire it. The world may misunderstand - it generally does misconstrue human actions. But a clear conscience, a kindly nature, and fine manners, can conquer all things.

But even though certain customs may change, the principles which underlie social laws ever remain the same. Regarding etiquette then, from a higher standpoint than the mere following of certain set forms, we have added to those forms truths that lie deeper than outward observances. Mere politeness, unaccompanied by a desire to make it a nature of daily life, is very empty and unsatisfying. The moral nature must be developed at the same time, and the innate tendency to prefer self, must be kept in abeyance.

The life will then grow beautiful, the expressions of good will to all become spontaneous, and a broader culture, which is an aid to success in the world, will result. Good manners are pivots upon which a man's fortunes may be said to turn. Who is so unwelcome as the person destitute of them? No one likes to transact business with such a one, no pleasure is afforded by his society.

It is the aim of this work to impress upon all the importance of acquiring them; not alone for the pleasure which they afford, but because they are links in the chain which binds human beings to each other, and to a Higher Power.

Indifference to the comfort of others betokens a selfish, coarse nature, and repels those whose sympathies are active, and to whom civility is the natural expression of gentle def- erence, ever seeking to confer pleasure upon others. To all our readers is this volume especially addressed, with the sincere desire that profit and instruction may be gathered from its pages. And we feel certain that it will help the novice or the timid one, to know just what to do under all circumstances, assisting all to avoid those mortifying mistakes which are so distressing to a proud and sensitive nature. 

Every line has been penned with the hope that our treatment of the important subject of etiquette will make the duties of social life more clear, and awaken a desire for that culture which raises the soul to a more lofty ideal of the life we live here. –THE AUTHOR. 

From Polite Society at Home and Abroad, by Annie Randall White, 1895

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

From BRIDES’ on Brides of 1990’s

BRIDE'S Magazine answers some of the Top 100 questions about wedding etiquette

Questions:
1. My youngest sister is too old to be a flower girl but too young to perform bridesmaid duties. How can I include her in the wedding?

2. Who chooses her dress for the wedding first, the bride's mother or the groom's mother?

3. Does the wedding party have to have an equal number of bridesmaids and groomsmen?

Questions and more questions. Getting engaged and planning a wedding opens up an entirely new world — a most confusing world of constant decision-making and emotionally charged situations. Here's some insight into what every bride, bride-to -be and newlywed needs to know. 

The Engagement:
After the question is "popped," arrange for parents to get together to visit (or meet one another) for brunch, drinks, din- ner. The groom's mother should call the bride's mother first.

Begin shopping for a gown nine months before the wedding. Because wedding dresses are custom made, most take at least four months to arrive, once they've been ordered.

The bride's immediate family should not host the shower. If they do, it appears as if they are asking for more gifts for the bride.

Bridesmaids and groomsmen traditionally pay for their own wedding apparel, travel, hotel accommodations. (Exception: If an attendant is financially strapped, the bride and groom may help with some of the expenses.)

The Invitations:
Order 50 extra invitations for keepsakes and late additions to the guest list; 100 extra envelopes in case of addressing errors. Anticipate a 25% refusal rate.

Fold invitation across middle of engraved double sheet, insert in inner envelope with folded side down, engraved side facing up.

Slip inner envelope inside larger envelope so handwritten guests' names (Mr. & Mrs. Jones) are visible. Mail invitations six to eight weeks before the wedding.

The Ceremony And Reception:
Ceremony seating depends on religious preference. In a Christian wedding, as you face the altar, the left side is reserved for the bride's family and friends, the right side of the groom's. The reverse is true for Jewish weddings.

The maid or matron of honor may be your mother, aunt, grandmother or other special person in your life even a close male relative or friend!

In case of divorced parents, seat each parent with his/her own family and friends at the reception. Seat the groom's parents with the parent who raised the bride.

"Etiquette is about the subtle courtesies and kindnesses that smooth relationships between families and friends," says Barbara Tober, Editor-in-Chief of BRIDE'S Magazine. "Developing an awareness of the feelings and concerns of others is a skill that will pave the way for better communication with family members throughout your married life."

Answers:
1. You may have junior bridesmaids, ages 9 to 14. They precede attendants down the aisle, with or without partners.

2. The bride's mother may discuss what she plans to wear with the groom's mother, and she chooses her dress first.

3. It is perfectly all right to have an unequal number of bridesmaids and groomsmen.— The Times Advocate, 1994

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Credit When Credit is Due

It is painful to think how few people give children the credit they deserve. We all have children among us, or at least President Roosevelt hopes we do, but no one realizes how far they go in teaching our best society true etiquette. — A newspaper editor had some thoughts on children’s behavior after an Easter egg hunt in 1908.

Give Children Credit

From the Editor of the Calistogan: J. O. Wilkinson had a large garden party on Easter Sunday at his home here, the guests being composed solely of children, whose pleasures were divided between hunting for Easter eggs and eating candy. It is painful to think how few people give children the credit they deserve. We all have children among us, or at least President Roosevelt hopes we do, but no one realizes how far they go in teaching our best society true etiquette. 

Invite a lot of youngsters to a party where there is something to eat and none of them will cause the host annoyance by tardy arrivals; at the theater they are there before the rise of the curtain and never come in late to disturb the audience, nor do any of them leave before the performance is over. —The Weekly Calistogan, 1908

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Chewing Gum Got Etiquette Approval

“Writers on etiquette say that where beauty experts are advising chewing gum for beauty’s sake; airplane hostesses are offering it for digestion’s sake; athletic directors are giving it to their athletes for their throats’ sake; and bridge players are chewing for “better concentration”… 

Gum-Chewing on Pages of Etiquette Books in 1936

The world of etiquette has introduced a new recruit to its pages of when, where, and hows. No longer is it a question of whether we should chew gum, but the appropriateness of the time, the occasion, and the place, and the ways it’s done. For writers on etiquette say that where beauty experts are advising chewing gum for beauty’s sake; airplane hostesses are offering it for digestion’s sake; athletic directors are giving it to their athletes for their throats’ sake; and bridge players are chewing for “better concentration,” it is natural that the margins should broaden and chewing gum be enjoyed on other occasions. 

For every recognized form of behavior, there is a set of rules to accompany it. Here are a few suggestions that the writers of etiquette are making in connection with the chewing of gum:

• We chew when it is appropriate. 

• We either accept or refuse gum without making a fuss either way. 

• We chew only in the presence of those who enjoy chewing gum. 

• Chewing gum is like chewing anything else, and follows the same rules of behavior.

Briefly, the opinion seems to be “to chew and let chew.” — Wilmington Press, 1936

 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of  The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

When One is Received by Royalty

Remarking that court etiquette forbids repeating any of her half hour's conversation with the empress, Mrs. Wheeler said:

“But what I can say is that Her Majesty was more than gracious, has an extraordinary personal charm, is very handsome and looks so young nobody would take her for the Czar's mother. She talks perfect English. I have never had a more interesting. conversation and the memory of it will remain all my life.” — Public domain image.

Hallie Erminie Rives Received by Czarina

HALLIE ERMINIE RIVES has Just been received in special audience by the Dowager Cuarina. This honor the author of “Hearts Courageous” and other novels owes to the fact that her husband, George Post Wheeler of New York, is secretary of the American Embassy here. But the added honor of being received much earlier than is the custom to receive women whose husbands hold similar diplomatic positions undoubtedly is due to the Empress' appreciation of Mrs. Wheeler's literary achievements.

After the Imperial audience The World correspondent sought an interview with Mrs. Wheeler. Remarking that court etiquette forbids repeating any of her half hour's conversation with the empress, Mrs. Wheeler said:

“But what I can say is that Her Majesty was more than gracious, has an extraordinary personal charm, is very handsome and looks so young nobody would take her for the Czar's mother. She talks perfect English. I have never had a more interesting. conversation and the memory of it will remain all my life.”

Mrs. Wheeler has been studying Russian history for two years for material for a new novel.

"I am not going to write about the gloomy side of life," she observed with a smile. "We have enough of that side from Russia's Gorkys. I think there is much pathos in the patience of the higher people-and this I am going to portray. The Rus- sian aristocratic women I meet are all most charming. Social etiquette in Russia is complicated and Interesting, quite different from what it is anywhere else. 

Of course at the big official fetes it is impossible to get more than two or three minutes' conversation with each person. But all the Russian ladies I met asked me to call and are very nice indeed. This etiquette is, of course, quite different from ours. In America you never call to see a woman you have not met. The American girls I know who have married Russians say they make the best husbands in the world."

Mrs. Wheeler's sister, Amelia Rives, author of "The Quick and the Dead" and other books, married a Russian fourteen years ago, Prince Plerre Troubetskoy.

Hallie Erminie Rives wedded Mr. Wheeler three years and a half ago in Japan. Mr. Wheeler, long an ed- itor on a New York newspaper and an author of reputation, was then second secretary of the American Embassy in Tokio. Recently he was promoted to the position of first secretary and stationed here. — Fresno Bee, 1910

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Most Unusual Valentine Etiquette

Etiquipedia is used to reading tales of unusual etiquette. This however, is in a category all its own!

 ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

In 1903, etiquette dictated that a small image of George Washington be affixed to your Valentines sent through the mail. If not George, Ben Franklin’s portrait would suffice! — “Ardent young people who will soon be exchanging ready-made sentiment through the mails should not forget this as it is considered good form to affix the portrait of the father of his country to Valentine envelopes which are sealed.”

VALENTINE ETIQUETTE…

Advice to Ardent Young People Who Will Use the Mails

George Washington is first in the hearts of his countrymen. Ardent young people who will soon be exchanging ready-made sentiment through the mails should not forget this as it is considered good form to affix the portrait of the father of his country to Valentine envelopes which are sealed. 

When the tender missives open to inspection and no writing the portrait Benjamin Franklin is considered appropriate. The significance of this is that Franklin was a philosopher, and wrote the maxims of Poor Richard which teach economy. It will also be remembered that he was the author of the lines “He has paid, dear, for his whistle.” 

This of course does not mean whistles alone, but almost anything. Some times ‘whistle’ and ‘Valentine’ is very nearly synonymous. Whistle is a sound made with the aid of the lips, and the exchange of valentines has been known to lead up to practically the same thing, only the sound is different and it takes two to make it instead of one. The portraits mentioned may be obtained in miniature at the post office in the Ellis Block. – The Marysville Daily Appeal, 1903

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of  The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Gilded Age Valentines, Not Vinegar

“No longer may the too bashful swain get behind good St. Valentine to make a declaration of love. Neither is it good form to make it a spite day. The comic Valentine, when the joke is kind is all right, but when one is sent that is insulting and personal, it goes against the spirit of the day.” — Above, a Victorian “Vinegar” Valentine from Pinterest.

“IN place of .going out of date, Valentines are gaining in popularity," said a manufacturer of these conceits. "We don't like to make any show of sentiment in this practical age, so the old-fashioned, foolishly sweet affairs are not. used. No longer may the too bashful swain get behind good St. Valentine to make a declaration of love. Neither Is it good form to make it a spite day. The comic Valentine, when the joke is kind is all right, but when one is sent that is insulting and personal,,,, it goes against the spirit of the day. The once popular lace-trimmed Valentines are a thing of the past. Children have taken possession of these. The lover now sends his lady fair an offering of flowers, bonbons, fruit, a book, a picture or any dainty holiday gift. Where an engagement exists often a piece of jewelry is sent. It is considered better taste not to put any. card on Valentine gifts. The identity of the sender should be shrouded in doubt. This adds piquancy to the occasion. Of course, the woman in the case is usually a good guesser. 

“There is only one time-honored way to send any card or  Valentine, and that is to have it slipped under the door on St. Valentine eve. It must not under any circumstances be intrusted to Uncle Sam. and have the prosaic adornment of a . postage stamp unless the sender lives at a distance. Then it is pardonable because unavoidable, but a part of the flavor is lost when it has to come through such a channel. Even flowers and candy are left on the doorstep by a messenger boy, who runs away in the friendly darkness and watches from a. distance to see that the offering is taken in. "The etiquette of Valentine's decrees that no woman shall make a present to even her dearest female friend on this day. nor must a man give anything to another man. .This does not apply to comic Valentines, but to presents of any description. It is a. day sacred to lovers, and no one else must trespass on their privileges. Neither does a woman remember a man friend with even the most trifling souvenir. There is no hint of leap year prerogatives in this old-fashioned day.”– San Francisco Call, 1901

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Executive Etiquette from 1986

“The worst thing you can do is to go to your new boss and ask him over for dinner,” Baldrige said. “Let them do the inviting in the beginning. They need to make the first step.”

Etiquette tips for avoiding those business faux pas…

Executive etiquette. There is nothing scientific about it.

It's a question of grace, style, intuition the delicate, ever-changing nuances of social behavior that, if heeded, can make the job a whole lot easier, the employer a great deal happier and the employee perhaps a little more successful.

Enter one of the masters of manners, Letitia Baldrige, chief of staff and social secretary to Jacqueline Kennedy.

"You have to know how to play the keyboard," Baldrige began in a recent interview from her home in New York City. "When you're the new kid on the block, the main thing you have to remember is to keep your distance."

Baldrige, who recently completed "Letitia Baldrige's Guide to Executive Manners" and who delivers etiquette seminars throughout the country, is referring to the eggshell relationship that can exist between employer and employee.

There are certain things you do and certain things you do not do. Ever.

"The worst thing you can do is to go to your new boss and ask him over for dinner," Baldrige said. "Let them do the inviting in the beginning. They need to make the first step."

After feeling out one's supervisor, soaking up the office atmosphere and waiting for a proper interval of time to pass, the employee's social invitation should be made privately, Baldrige added.

"And always make sure you tell the boss's secretary not to broadcast it. That's how terrible jealousies begin. If you happen to have a lucky in with the boss, don't make it known. You'll just make enemies."

Judi Kaufman, a trainer for Etiquette International in Beverly Hills, said it is usually advisable that a restaurant, not the employee's home, serve as the site for the first social encounter with the boss.

"The employee, obviously, is not at the same economic level of his supervisors, so a restaurant is often a good neutral place to avoid any possible embarrassment," Kaufman said.

The old "let's-have-dinner" ritual, according to Baldrige, is only one of many social codes the eager young executive should learn and learn well.

Never call the boss by his or her first name until asked to, she cautioned. "And never should a young executive have his (or her) secretary place a call to a senior executive. There's nothing more pretentious than that."

Backslapping, making too many jokes about the job and acting too casually are the most commonly committed blunders made by ingratiating employees in the office, Baldrige stressed.

"There always has to be that distance kept," she said. "Call it respect or call it fear, but you don't do things like plopping yourself down next to the boss in the executive dining room." In addition to serving the First Lady, Baldrige also was President Kennedy's adviser on matters of protocol.

Perhaps that's why she offered this piece of advice: "There is nothing that drives a senior executive more wild than when a junior executive barges in to the boss's office while the boss is in with someone else (to ask) questions that aren't at all urgent or important That just drives them crazy."

Further, at social functions like an office party or company picnic, "Never hover around the boss and monopolize him even if you've established a friendship."

And, Kaufman added, "Don't drink too much at the party. The best way to win over a boss, said Kaufman, is "to know his or her spouse and a little about what they're interested in, plus knowing the first names of the children."

Kaufman's list of egregious office errors include: don't take credit for someone else's work, don't be abrupt on the telephone and don't write any memos to a supervisor longer than a page.

"You'd be surprised how much an employer appreciates good telephone manners and someone who can boil all the information the boss should know into one page," Kaufman said.

Baldrige said it's the "little extra things" that breed employee success. Make sure to respond to an RSVP, she advised, and write thank you notes when someone does you a service and congratulatory notes when someone gets a promotion.

"Another thing," Baldrige continued, "we are the worst nation in the world in terms of introducing people. If you can't remember their name, laugh about it, but make the introduction."

The introductory protocol is quite simple: "If you're talking to a judge or a chief executive officer, for instance, introduce the lesser to the more important and the younger to the older. — By Ellis E. Conklin, UPI Feature Writer, 1986

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia